Some days I’m fine and happy and feeling amazing, some days I’m down and sad and I hate everything.

I don’t even know what to say. Thought writing could help but I don’t know what write.
I’m feeling angry and I’m not sure why.

It would be so good if I hit my head and just forget about who I am because dying is too dark and people do not aprove our unwillingness to live. As if life was an amazing experience.

And then there are these days, where I feel like I could fucking conquer the world.
I feel like writing most when I’m breaking into pieces, but sometimes I also want to register my bliss.
I’m happy for having someone by my side who is so supportive and understanding. It must be so hard, but he is always, and I mean always there for me. Ready to hold me tight when I start feeling like shit.
I never had a fight again since my last abusive relationship, in 2018, but I always feel like any time I want to express myself I’ll be replying with yelling, threats or despise. It’s a constant fear and I’m always overthinking what to say, how to say, when to say, and then what to feel, how to feel, when to feel.
I’m thankful for my fiancé’s sensitivity and how much time he spends studying, reading about my anxiety and how to help me deal with it. I actually wanna cry every time I think of it because the sick part of me thinks I don’t deserve it and the other part of me feels embraced by this divine thing called love. I want to be the best I can for him, for myself, for us.

We traveled to Germany in July, visited castles, cathedrals, stayed in cute places, held hands all the time... I will never forget being proposed in the most beautiful castle in the world!
Here we go again, between his visits here to see me, in a few days we’ll be seeing in each other again in a romantic trip to Italy. I’m so excited to see him, hug him, kiss him! It feels like living a dream...

I can only be grateful.

The wind is blowing while I stand.
It seems that I’m resisting, but I’m made of sand.
I’m going away with the wind, piece by piece, slowly.
I have no will to move.
I watch as I shatter, desperately inside, but a glassy look outside.
Looking from where you are it appears as if I can’t feel a thing.
On the inside I’m confused. I wanna cry, but I can’t sometimes.
I can’t understand.
So many thoughts all at once. I’m sad.
I’m sad with myself.
I have high expectations and I seek for a validation on others that I could only find in myself.
Am I damaged?

It feels like life has been giving me everything I’ve wanted to, but I just can’t adjust.
The perfect boyfriend who proposed to me in a castle in Germany, Neuschwansteinstraße, and swore his love to me to the end of our lives, the one I’m getting married next year, the trips I’ve always wanted to make and being able to decide when and how I want to leave this city because my job position...
Yet, there are days that I’m just broken. And I can’t fix myself.
My brain does not accept what it sees and questions every detail of each happy moment I have.
I’ve been crying the past days over a situation that doesn’t exist, but hurts me like hell.
Any vague situation that might remind me of anything I’ve lived in the past put me in an alert state. I cry, I fear, I wanna give it all up.
I feel like a burden and I feel like I don’t deserve. I don’t belong.
I don’t even know who I am. I do not recognize reality.
I feel bad for feeling bad, then I want to leave.
I don’t want to bother yet I do a lot, just for existing.
I’m whole and then I’m in pieces, in a blink of an eye.
It all comes back.
Then a mix of self pity with guilty. How could I let so many people hurt me in the past. And how couldn’t I overcome it after so long.
Am I the monster?
Then the threats come to my mind, the hands on my neck by one of them, the punches of the other, the fingers pointed to my face by another, the hair being pulled by one, the knife on my neck by the other, the yellings and the words they said degrading me. Then the cheatings, the lyings, me staying after all humiliation. “I hate you, you’re a whore”. “You’re crazy”. “Stay away from me”.How hard I believed and them got destroyed. The messages of I love you and please forgive me. Me thinking that shit could still be saved. I just needed to change. It was all my fault. One can’t just be ok after so much abuse. I hate myself now. But don’t leave me.
Or leave me. You don’t deserve it and I feel the worst.
I’m trying hard some days and others I just collapse.
I can’t trust myself, I can’t trust people, I can’t trust reality.
I’m afraid.
I’ve become unworthy.
I’ve lost control.
I feel lost.
Maybe you shouldn’t love me.
I’m so afraid of making you hate me one day when I finally stop thinking bad things might happen.
What if I’m fooling myself  again?




I’m so sad.

So many things I’d like to say.
I can’t organize it in my head.
I feel it all at once, all the feelings..




I started writing it last week, trying to organize my thoughts and never finished it. I can't concentrate on anything...

I’ve said I love you so many times mentally...