It feels like life has been giving me everything I’ve wanted to, but I just can’t adjust.
The perfect boyfriend who proposed to me in a castle in Germany, Neuschwansteinstraße, and swore his love to me to the end of our lives, the one I’m getting married next year, the trips I’ve always wanted to make and being able to decide when and how I want to leave this city because my job position...
Yet, there are days that I’m just broken. And I can’t fix myself.
My brain does not accept what it sees and questions every detail of each happy moment I have.
I’ve been crying the past days over a situation that doesn’t exist, but hurts me like hell.
Any vague situation that might remind me of anything I’ve lived in the past put me in an alert state. I cry, I fear, I wanna give it all up.
I feel like a burden and I feel like I don’t deserve. I don’t belong.
I don’t even know who I am. I do not recognize reality.
I feel bad for feeling bad, then I want to leave.
I don’t want to bother yet I do a lot, just for existing.
I’m whole and then I’m in pieces, in a blink of an eye.
It all comes back.
Then a mix of self pity with guilty. How could I let so many people hurt me in the past. And how couldn’t I overcome it after so long.
Am I the monster?
Then the threats come to my mind, the hands on my neck by one of them, the punches of the other, the fingers pointed to my face by another, the hair being pulled by one, the knife on my neck by the other, the yellings and the words they said degrading me. Then the cheatings, the lyings, me staying after all humiliation. “I hate you, you’re a whore”. “You’re crazy”. “Stay away from me”.How hard I believed and them got destroyed. The messages of I love you and please forgive me. Me thinking that shit could still be saved. I just needed to change. It was all my fault. One can’t just be ok after so much abuse. I hate myself now. But don’t leave me.
Or leave me. You don’t deserve it and I feel the worst.
I’m trying hard some days and others I just collapse.
I can’t trust myself, I can’t trust people, I can’t trust reality.
I’m afraid.
I’ve become unworthy.
I’ve lost control.
I feel lost.
Maybe you shouldn’t love me.
I’m so afraid of making you hate me one day when I finally stop thinking bad things might happen.
What if I’m fooling myself  again?




I’m so sad.